Anything Goes Silliness
by Jeremy Harper
Summary: Silly little shorts from Nerima ward.
1. Chapter 1

Anything Goes Silliness

by

Jeremy Harper

Disclaimer – Ranma ½ is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and is used without permission.

I

"Really, Ranma, it's not so bad," said Kasumi. The amusement tugging at the corners of her mouth threatened to transform her usual serene smile into a grin. Ranma just grumbled in response. "It's also healthier for you to have them," she continued.

"Yeah, Saotome," chimed in Nabiki. "Plus you look almost half-way intelligent this way."

Ranma glared at the middle Tendo sister then scowled down at the floor. "This ain't fair," he muttered. "I got my hair from my mother. I got my build from my mother. I got my looks from my mother. So why did I have to get _this_ one thing from my Old Man?"

Akane giggled and favored her fiance with an affectionate smile. "I don't know why you're complaining, Ranma. It's fixed the problem you've been having. Besides, you sort of look cute in glasses."


	2. Chapter 2

Anything Goes Silliness

by

Jeremy Harper

Disclaimer – Ranma ½ is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and is used without permission.

II

"Will you quit yelling at me!" Ranma shouted at Akane. "It's not like I want Shampoo hanging all over me!"

"Yet you still let her do it!" Akane shouted back. "Worse yet, you ate the bowl of ramen she brought. Don't you have any shame?"

"Hey, it was free food and I was hungry. It'd have been a waste not to eat it. What do you care, anyway?"

"I don't care!"

"Then why are you so mad?" Ranma blinked. "Wait a minute..." He zipped behind Akane and with the heel of his palm gently tapped her on the rear. Akane squeaked, jumping on the tips of her toes and blushing tomato red, her hands covering her behind. She spun around to slap her fiance silly, but for some reason could not. She blinked several times in confusion then let out a huff of breath. She was still upset with Ranma, but her hot anger had evaporated.

A huge grin split Ranma's face. "Hot damn! The Old Ghoul wasn't lying – that anger release pressure point really does work!"

Akane gave him a dirty look. "That's not fair, Ranma."

"Don't care!" he sing-songed back. Akane let out a loud 'humph' and walked away with as much dignity as she could muster, nose held high in the air. Ranma laughed. "This is great. No more tomboy temper tantrums!"

**WHAM!**

Ranma groaned from beneath the blade of an oversized spatula.

"Ran-chan!" shrieked Ukyo. "What are you doing goosing Akane? I'm your cute fiancee – you're suppose to be goosing _me!_"

"Saotome, you fiend! How dare you so blatantly molest the beauteous Akane Tendo. I, Tatewaki Kuno, will bring you to justice!"

"Hey Ranma," called out Nabiki, waving a digital camera, "I've got a picture I think my dad and your parents would really like to see. How much will you pay for me to delete it?"

"I can't win," moaned Ranma.


	3. Chapter 3

Anything Goes Silliness

by

Jeremy Harper

Disclaimer – Ranma ½ is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and is used without permission.

III

Ranma knew he was in for a long, hot day when Akane descended from her bedroom dressed like _that._

He spent much of the morning skulking in a corner of the living room, watching Akane warily as she sunned herself on the engawa, sipping lemonade as she read the new fantasy novel she had purchased yesterday. It was not as if she were wearing anything provocative or outrageous – it was, in fact, one of her go-to outfits for warm weather. The problem, however, was that this particular outfit really pushed Ranma's buttons, invoking a rather primal and gallant response that sooner or later had him seeking out the closest source of cold water so to escape both it and any angry indignation it could potentially provoke.

To repeat, Akane was not wearing anything scandalous; her top, for example, was a simple powder-blue tee shirt. Admittedly its fit was rather tight – with tight being defined as looking as if Akane had painted it onto her body. It also raised into question whether Ranma was either a liar, in need of glasses, or simply deluded when he stated his fiancee was as flat as a brick. While not as buxom as Shampoo, Akane was far from small. Happy (_very happy_) medium seemed an apt description of her charms.

But as alluring as Akane was in a clingy tee-shirt, it was not that alone which made Ranma uneasy. No, it was the combination of the tee-shirt along with shorts that really put him on edge. Denim shorts. Rather... short... denim shorts, that ended barely half-way down her thighs, showing off to wonderful effect her legs. Her toned legs... her silky, well-kept legs... which Ranma had a very hard time not gaping at... On days she wore those damn shorts, Ranma discovered he had great sympathy for Dr Tofu and his severe case of Kasumi-itis. Looking at his fiancee, Ranma found it took all of his concentration not to babble out "Akane's got _LEGS!" _at random intervals.

Ranma scowled and forced himself to look away. There should be a law against Akane wearing tee-shirts and shorts – the kind of law like those used to conceal the existence of secret weapons. If you had to deal with two blood-mad armies ready to tear each other apart, you could parade Akane between them and have every soldier on their knees in awed, enraptured adoration.

…

All right, maybe Ranma was exaggerating a little. That was probably enough to pacify a couple of battalions. For full armies, Akane would have to swap out the tee-shirt for a bikini top.

Ranma pinched his nose hard to stop the sudden rush of blood. Yeah, that image there just did _wonders_ for his self-control.

The worst thing about this entire mess was the fact that Akane had absolutely no _frickin_' clue just how vulnerable he was to her when she dressed like that. There she sat, all innocent to the fact that her simply lounging in the sun in shorts turned him into a seething cauldron of raging, delighted hormones. It was hard enough to deny her anything under ordinary circumstances; right now, if she asked him to eat a seven-course dinner perpetrated by herself, he would do so without demur.

_God,_ thought Ranma despairingly, _am I pathetic or what?_ At that point he noticed Akane looking at him curiously. His already flustered face flushed an even deeper red. He was surprised he did not burn up like a dying phoenix on the spot.

"Are you alright, Ranma?" she asked. "You seem out-of-sorts."

"I'm fine! Perfectly fine! Just peachy-keen and hunky-dory," he said brightly, forcing a frantic smile. Maybe he and the Doc could form a support group. He jumped to his feet. "Whelp, I think I'll go... do something. Anything! Yeah, that's the ticket." Ranma set out toward the bath for a date with the cold water faucet. He did not run - he had too much pride – but he did walk rather quickly. "Stupid, clueless tomboy," he muttered under his breath.

He failed to notice the pleased, knowing smile gracing Akane's lips.


	4. Chapter 4

Anything Goes Silliness

by

Jeremy Harper

Disclaimer – Ranma ½ is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. Futari Ecchi is the creation of Katsu Aki. Both are used without permission.

With apologies to Kate Beaton.

IV

Makoto Onoda, a somewhat typical successful and prosperous salaryman, kissed his very pretty young wife Yura goodbye and left his apartment for work. Waiting at the bus stop was his very pretty new neighbor, Akane Saotome, a twenty year old newly-wed college student. She had just moved into Onoda's building this past Sunday with her husband Ranma, who was making a living as, of all things, a professional fighter. "Good morning, Onoda-san!" Akane said cheerfully.

"Good morning, Saotome-san," said Makoto as he cast an admiring eye over her. Akane was dressed in a short-sleeved white blouse, a dark-blue skirt with a hem-line just above the knee and brown strapped platform sandals. She was a very healthy young woman, trim and fit with well-toned legs and a heart-stopping smile. "Are you settled in now?"

Akane nodded. "Yes, all but for a few finishing touches. Ranma and I have been very busy these past few days."

Makoto nodded, a bit absently. His mind at times behaved like an untrained bonobo, and Akane shared a trait in common with his wife in that she could set a man's libido on fire by simply reciting from a dictionary...

_Akane gazed up at Makoto with half-closed, dewy eyes. "Yes, we've been so very busy, Onoda-san. So busy that Ranma had been too tired to make love to me, and I'm __**sooooo**__ horny." She slowly unbuttoned the top two buttons of her blouse as she spoke. Makoto's eyes were riveted to the generous cleavage she had exposed, her shapely breasts supported by a black and purple lace demi-bra. A huge grin split his face and he wiped the corner of his mouth with back of his hand. "I am in so need of relief. Could you help me with that, please?"_

_ "Of course, Tendo-san," Makoto answered gallantly. "I would be more than proud to!" Smiling happily at him, Akane took his hand and pulled him into an alleyway. Once there she began to undo his belt. "In public? Akane-san, you are so, so __**liberated!**__" Akane smiled wantonly at him, and soon they were running through the usual acts that Makoto fantasized about. We will not go into detail here, since your humble author finds the idea of writing a sex scene between Akane and this somewhat gormless individual rather unappealing. _

"Are you okay, Onoda-san?" asked Akane. "You're looking rather flushed."

Makoto blinked rapidly as he snapped out of his fantasy. "What? Oh. Yes, I'm fine. Sorry about that. There's a project starting at work that's been on my mind, recently. I sometimes get distracted." He laughed, feeling a trifle embarrassed. Akane gave him a skeptical look. "So, what is Ranma-san up to?" he asked, hoping to distract his neighbor.

"He's staying home for the week," she said. "He'll be taking care of the last few things we need to do at the apartment. He doesn't have a fight until next month, and he can take care of any current business with his manager over the phone. That suits him fine, since it gives him a chance to explore the neighborhood.

"I see..." said Makoto, feeling slightly perturbed. He was recalling the way Yura had been staring at Ranma last Sunday. It had been hot that day, and the younger man had been wearing a tight black muscle-shirt as he hauled boxes from the rental truck up to his apartment. He had never seen Yura look at another man like that before, her cheeks flushed and her eyes wide, her mouth slightly agape, looking as if she were about to lick her full lips hungrily. He had not liked it, and was in a jealous snit for the rest of the day until Yura finally placated him with sex. He, of course, did not recognize the hypocrisy of his mood, since he had stared at Akane in a similar way, she being dressed in a form-fitting golden tee-shirt and very short denim shorts. Suddenly Makoto's mind went off on another tangent.

_Yura was vacuuming the living room, humming happily to herself when someone knocked on the apartment door. "Who is it?" she called out. _

_ "It's Saotome, Onoda-san. May I come in?"_

_ "Of course. The door is unlocked."_

_ The door swung open and Ranma stood on the threshold, leaning against the frame with a roguish grin, his long pig-tail draped over one shoulder. "Hello there. I'm just going around introducing myself to my neighbors. Also, my shirt happened to fall open?" _

_ Yura stared entranced at the display of masculine comeliness and desirability flaunted before her. Her cheeks flushed a deep cherry-red and her eyes glazed over with lust. "Oh, Ranma-sama!" she cried out, bringing the back of her hand to her brow as she started to swoon. Ranma swiftly caught her before she hit the floor. She threw her arms around his broad, muscular shoulders. "Make love to me, Ranma-sama!" she begged._

_ "Of course, Yura-chan! And I will take off my shirt," said Ranma. Yura gazed up at him longingly, her eyes smoldering. _

_ And in a twenty kilometer radius of the event: _

_ Women squealing from sympathetic orgasms. "Oh, Ranma-sama!"_

_ Men going impotent, knowing they could never match Ranma's sexual prowess. "Damn you, Saotome!" _

_ It was totally awesome._

"No, it's not!" yelped Makoto in dismay.

Akane blinked at her new neighbor. "Are you sure you're all right, Onoda-san?"

"No... no. I guess I'm not, Saotome-san. I think I'll head home... I need to lie down. You have a good day at school."

"Thank you. I hope you feel better soon." She watched him walk back to the apartment building, head bowed, a dark cloud seeming to follow him. _He's a little odd,_ she thought. _Seems nice enough, though. Oh well. _She took one of her smaller textbooks from her satchel and started to review as she waited for the bus.

* * *

Author's Note: I usually ship canon couples, but frankly Futari Ecchi pushes my tolerance. I find Makoto to be a gormless idiot a lot of the time. He is better than Taku, however – it's obvious that all of Rika's taste is in her mouth, if that guy is her number one boyfriend.

Check out _Hark! A Vagrant: "Oh Mr. Darcy!" A Fan Fiction, _if you'd like to see the inspiration behind this bit of nonsense.

Take care of yourselves.


	5. Chapter 5

Anything Goes Silliness

by

Jeremy Harper

Disclaimer – The characters' in this vignette are the property of their respective owners and are used without permission. See author's note for the full disclaimer.

* * *

V

Ranma Saotome sat at the end of the dinner table, reading the sloppy scrawl of the letter in his hand for the third time, his lips pursed in a tight, pensive frown.

"You don't have to see him, if you don't want to," his guardian said from the other end of the table, the older man's tone mild and supportive.

"I know," said Ranma.

"He has no legal ties to you anymore. I saw to that. He cannot compel you to visit."

"I know."

"Yet you still want to go." This was a statement, simply spoken, neither question nor accusation.

Ranma took a deep breath and looked up from the letter. "I haven't forgiven him for throwing me in that damn pit four times over, but yet..." He hesitated, then shrugged. "He's my pop. I don't really like him, but I guess I still care for him, at least a little. I'm also a bit curious about this 'family matter' he mentions." Ranma sighed. "And I think I'm also a little homesick for Japan."

His guardian nodded and sipped his coffee. Ranma fiddled with the letter a moment before setting it aside. "Summer vacation starts next Wednesday. You can spare me?"

"Of course."

"Thank you."

"Dinner is served, sirs," the butler announced, setting a plate of veal Parmesan before Ranma. The young man murmured his thanks and starting cutting up his meal. As he ate he gave the manservant who had also been a grandfather to him the past six years a speculative look.

"You've got something like ten years of vacation time saved up," Ranma said to him. "How about spending a few weeks of it by coming to Japan with me, Alfred."

Alfred Pennyworth smiled at the youngest of his two boys. "I would be delighted, Master Ranma. That is, of course, if Master Bruce can spare me as well."

Bruce Wayne chuckled as he took another sip of coffee. "Certainly, old friend. You more than deserve a break. And maybe you'll have better lucking keeping the boy out of trouble than I do."

"What is the phrase, Master Bruce? Ah, yes – 'fat chance'."

Ranma laughed happily and settled down to the important business that was the family dinner.

* * *

Author's note – Ranma is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. Batman is the creation of Bill Finger and Bob Kane. These properties are used without permission.

This may lead to something a bit more evolved. We'll see.


	6. Chapter 6

Anything Goes Silliness

by

Jeremy Harper

Disclaimer – Ranma ½ is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi and is used without permission.

VI

Ranma was a dead man. There was no escape this time. Any moment now hot water would improbably find him, reverting him to his true form and heralding his end. The most he could hope for was that the undertaker would be skilled enough to make his corpse presentable for an open-casket funeral. But, if by some impossible act of grace, he managed to escape unscathed, Ranma planned on celebrating the happy event by going on a murder spree.

Happosai was at the top of his list for coming up with the perverted plan Ranma had tried to thwart and for throwing the damn water that got him in this situation. One way or the other he would bring a terrible retribution down on the old freak's head. Ranma was going to punch the lech so hard he would get knocked four or five centuries back in time, where hopefully he would get trampled between two battling armies, or maybe even devoured by a rampaging youkai.

Next was Ryoga. Not that the Lost Boy was the direct cause of the current predicament, but he definitely laid the groundwork for it with his past actions. Ranma planned on beating Hibiki to a pulp, pour cold water on his broken carcass then bring the pig to Ucchan's and have Ukyo make some pork okonomiyaki.

Pops would be last – punishment for introducing Ranma to the horrors of Junsenkyo and being the ultimate source most of his problems in life. Also there was just the general principle of the thing, since Genma was an annoying old bastard and always deserved a thorough thrashing.

Yes, revenge would be sweet - if only he could somehow miraculously survive.

Ranma had to wonder, as he struggled against fate – he could see the use behind Instant Spring of Drowned Man or Woman, but what sort of moron thought Instant Spring of Drowned Black Piglet was in anyway a good idea?

"P-chan, what's wrong with you? Why are you so restless today, baby?"

"Kwee!"

Admittedly, it did feel sorta (very) nice, getting squeezed up against Akane's breasts.


End file.
